If you're anything like me (and if you're reading this, there's a good chance that you are me re-reading my work), then your bracket is completely and hopelessly busted. Thanks a lot Missouri and Florida State. There goes any chance that I'll be applying to either of your grad schools.
Luckily for us, Yahoo has something called the Second Chance Bracket. Basically, if you predict the rest of the games correctly and win a bunch of tie breakers you win $5,000.
Since my method of picking teams by analyzing games didn't work last time, I'll be picking winners based on college mascots. This is probably what I should've been doing all along. Let's take a look at who's going to be squaring off on Thursday and Friday.
THE WILDCAT (Kentucky) vs. NO MASCOT (Indiana)
How lame is it to have no mascot at all? (Answer: Very lame.) The Wildcat is pretty standard as far as mascots go, but he wins here by default.
Winner: The Wildcat
BRUISER (Baylor) vs. D'ARTAGNAN THE MUSKETEER (Xavier)
Bruiser is another basic, boring mascot. He's cross-eyed and has a dumb name, but besides that there's really not much to him. Xavier's D'Artagnan the Musketeer is very unique. Though he doesn't actually have a musket (because some liberals would have a fit if he did), it's pretty clear that D'Artagnan could hold his own in a fight (and could easily take Bruiser). In addition to D'Artagnan, Xavier has a second mascot: The Blue Blob. The Blue Blob is great because he has nothing to do with the team's name and also is completely ridiculous.
Winner: D'Artagnan the Musketeer
SPARTY (Michigan St.) vs. CARDINAL BIRD (Louisville)
Sparty is jacked… maybe too jacked. In fact, he looks like a jerk-- less like a real Spartan and more like a frat guy who is dressed up like a spartan on Halloween. On the other hand, you've got "Cardinal Bird". The Cardinal Bird costume looks like something you'd find in a box in my grandmother's attic (and then throw in the trash).
Winner: Sparty
GOLDEN EAGLE (Marquette) vs. ALBERT (Florida)
This one is tough because they're both so bad. Should we go with the Golden Eagle and his plastic beak and unappealing color combination of brown and yellow, or should we go with Albert, who is perhaps the least intimidating alligator I have ever seen? It's gonna be a close one.
Winner: Albert
OTTO THE ORANGE (Syracuse) vs. BUCKY BADGER (Wisconsin)
Two of the best (possibly the best) mascots face off! Otto is a giant orange! Bucky Badger is a very unique-looking badger! In the end, Bucky takes it because of his hideous Where's Waldo shirt with a W on it!
Winner: Bucky Badger
BRUTUS BUCKEYE (Ohio St.) vs. THE BEARCAT (Cincinnati)
There he is: Brutus Buckeye, my least favorite mascot in the history of mascots. Brutus is a revolting menace and I would love nothing more than to never see his disturbing visage ever again. I have nothing against Ohio State, but I always find myself rooting for them to lose so that I do not have to endure seeing this hideous nut-headed freak for another game.
Winner: The Bearcat
RAMESES (UNC) vs. RUFUS THE BOBCAT (Ohio)
Rameses is different I suppose, but that baby blue UNC jersey is neither intimidating or cool. Rufus the Bobcat looks like he is going to go kill someone. Also, he appears to be wearing a New York Jets jersey from the 1980s.
Winner: Rufus the Bobcat
JAYHAWK (Kansas) vs. MR. WUF (NC State)
Mr. Wuf looks like he's done something wrong (like eaten Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother), but now feels sort of bad about it. Jayhawk gets props for being so colorful (something that mascots are sadly often lacking is bright, vibrant color), but Mr. Wuf's sailor cap puts him over the top.
Winner: Mr. Wuf
There you have it-- all my predictions for the next round of games!
What's that? You want to know my predictions for the rest of the tournament based on team mascots? Well, alright.
ELITE EIGHT
D'ARTAGNAN THE MUSKETEER (Xavier) over THE WILDCAT (Kentucky)
SPARTY (Michigan St.) over ALBERT (Florida)
BUCKY BADGER (Wisconsin) over THE BEARCAT (Cincinnati)
MR. WUF (NC State) over RUFUS THE BOBCAT (Ohio)
FINAL FOUR
D'ARTAGNAN THE MUSKETEER (Xavier) over SPARTY (Michigan St.)
BUCKY BADGER (Wisconsin) over MR. WUF (NC State)
CHAMPIONSHIP
BUCKY BADGER (Wisconsin) over D'ARTAGNAN THE MUSKETEER (Xavier)
Wow! Wisconsin over Xavier in the Championship! It sure looks like this method of picking games is going to work!
