Top 10 New (Ridiculous) Products

My grandmother always has several different gossip magazines, newspaper clippings, cartoons, articles, etc., etc., in her purse that she can take out at a moment's notice to show you.  Recently, she showed me the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which I had never seen before.  This is actually very surprising since when I looked up the catalog on Wikipedia, I learned that it was founded in 1848-- the year of my birth.

What makes the catalog great is that it has even more ridiculous overpriced crap than those SkyMall catalogs on airplanes.  Here are the Top 10 Products for sale in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, or simply the Top 10 New Products, since there really can't be any products better than these.  And when I say "better", what I really mean is "worse".

Top 10 Coolest Talking Movie Dogs

There are four requirements you have to meet in order to be on this list.  You must be:

·      A dog

·      In a movie

·      Able to talk (remember, you must also be a dog)

·      Cool

I didn’t say making the Top 10 Coolest Talking Movie Dogs list was going to be easy!  Without further ado, here are the ten most awesome linguistically-gifted canines from the big screen.  (Please note: If your favorite movie talking dog didn’t make the cut, I don’t care.)

Jeffrey's Top 10 Inventions (That Need to be Made)

There seem to be new inventions popping up every single day.  That is because on most days at least one person in the world has invented something.  I know this is probably true because on most days I invent at least one amazing new invention.  However, since I am not handy, I cannot actually build these inventions (so they are really only great ideas).

Thomas Edison was such a good inventor that they named a town in New Jersey after him.

Here is a list of some of the greatest inventions in history:

• Fire (mankind’s first great invention)
• TV
• Remote Control
• Dog (humans invented dogs by breeding nice wolves—I saw a special about it on Animal Planet)
• Spaceships
• Spark Plugs
• Tires
• Jeggings
• Pillows
• Candles
• Paper (I know that this was invented in China)
• Funny Hats
• Time

Just kidding with that last one!  We didn’t invent time—it existed even before people did!  Someone did invent the clock though.

Many inventions are good, but some end up being bad.  With new technology comes more complex inventions and a possible robot revolt.  If you have ever watched Battlestar Galactica, you know that Cylons look and act like real people, but they really want to kill us.

Here’s a list of my Top 10 Inventions.  Since I have not actually created these products and do not own any patents for them, you can steal these ideas.  Actually, most of these things probably already exist and I just don’t know it.

Game Show Extravaganza!

Do you want to win money?  How about $10,000?  How about $1,000,000?  Well, all you have to do is buy my new book, "Jeffrey the Great Tells You How to Win A Million Dollars".  It can be downloaded to your Kindle or Nook for just $750 (I had to lower the price down from $1,000 because sales were bad).

It's basically a rip-off of The Hunger Games. Only it's better.

Just kidding!  We all know that I don't know how to write books (or even how to read)!  However, I do know how you can make lots of money and win exciting prizes too!  It is by going on a game show! (Exclamation point overload in this paragraph.)

The 10 People I'm Having Over For Dinner

Oh, hello there.  I am having an amazing dinner party and you're invited.  You're invitation is in the mail (I am very old-fashioned and don't believe in e-mail).  What's great about this dinner party is that it is a magical dinner party.  You see, I was able to invite anyone, fictional or nonfictional, living or dead.  In addition to you and I, I was allowed to invite ten others (I cheated and there are actually a few more than ten other guests).  Everyone else has already RSVP'd (they'll all be attending).  I hope you can make it!

GUEST LIST

1. Wolverine

We want the dinner party to be cool, don't we?  (We do.)  Well, no one is cooler than Wolverine.  He probably won't talk too much, but that's fine; when he does talk, everyone will listen.  We will have a special smoking corner for Wolverine for when he wants to have a cigar (since we don't want everyone else to get black lungs).

He needs a fork and a spoon, but not a knife.

MARCH MADNESS WITH MASCOTS: THE SWEET SIXTEEN

If you're anything like me (and if you're reading this, there's a good chance that you are me re-reading my work), then your bracket is completely and hopelessly busted.  Thanks a lot Missouri and Florida State.  There goes any chance that I'll be applying to either of your grad schools.

Luckily for us, Yahoo has something called the Second Chance Bracket.  Basically, if you predict the rest of the games correctly and win a bunch of tie breakers you win $5,000.

Since my method of picking teams by analyzing games didn't work last time, I'll be picking winners based on college mascots.  This is probably what I should've been doing all along.  Let's take a look at who's going to be squaring off on Thursday and Friday.

Top 10 Worst Toy Fads!

Time to get nostalgic, ladies and gents!  Let’s countdown the Top 10 Worst Toy Fads!  Admit it, you had a bunch of these things.

Top 10 Films of 2011!

Drum roll please. (*Drum, drum, drum, drum, drum* sound.)  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, (and old people too,) it is time for the article you’ve all been waiting for…JEFFREY’S TOP 10 FILMS OF 2011!!!!!!!  (Look how many exclamation points I used—how obnoxious!!!!)

As always, Oscar failed to nominate many of the year’s best pictures and instead honored several undeserving works (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, War Horse, The Help).  I am, of course, not referring to the Oscars, the awards show, but to the film rankings done by my great uncle Oscar, who’s a bit of a film buff himself.  Just kidding (I don’t have a great uncle Oscar)!  I really did mean the Oscars!  In fact, you should check out the Jeffreys, which I hear are actually more credible and a million times better than the Oscars now.

All in all, 2011 was a very weak year for movies.  There were actually only two movies this year that blew me away.  And, while there were some other films that were very good, most weren’t great, four-star films.

Without further ado, here they are:

COMING UP WITH BETTER TITLES FOR THIS YEAR'S TOP FILMS

A good movie title sends people running (or driving) to theatres while a bad title doesn’t entice people to turn off CSI, get off the couch, and leave the house.  (For example, I run to the theatre to fork over $13 whenever a movie is released that has “Madea” in the title.)  Some of the movies released this year had titles that fit perfectly (The Artist, Drive, Moneyball), but others could’ve done much better.  Too bad they didn’t ask me for advice before these movies were released.