By Just Jennifer
When you sit down to watch this season of HBO’s hit show True Blood, you might feel a little overwhelmed at times. You might be confused by all the characters and all the plotlines…and the way in which it seems like nothing really advances in each episode, because an average of only six minutes is spent on each storyline. To help you out, here’s a quick look at True Blood’s ten current storylines and how well they fare with audiences (me).
*SPOILERS CONTAINED*
TARA: D-
Why did Tara come back to town? Cage-fighting lesbians should be a welcome addition to the show, but Tara has always been so unlikable. She’s unattractive, talks too much, thinks she’s the cream of the crop, and pities herself to death (no, really, I hope she does), not to mention that her and her new girlfriend HAVE NO POWERS (because being a lesbian is not a supernatural power). There are only a few good normal humans left on the show, and Tara Thornton is not one of them. Her girlfriend will probably soon meet an untimely death, at the hands of the rotting Pam, and maybe then, Tara will just go away again. One can only dream.
WITCHCRAFT PLOT 1 – LAFAYETTE AND JESUS: D
I like Lafayette a lot because he says some fun ghetto snarky things, and I’m happy for him that he’s dating Jesus or whatever, but he is SO susceptible to peer pressure. The witch circles were one thing, but running off to some guy’s psychotic grandfather’s ranch is another. This storyline just sucks. I could not care less about Jesus’ ancestors’ spirits. There’s nothing worse than a minor character’s minor character getting his own storyline.
WITCHCRAFT PLOT 2 – MARNIE: C+
This is obviously about to be a really big deal on the show, what with this ancient powerful witch Antonia possessing Marnie. The truth, though, is that Marnie is a boring character to watch and her vivid nightmares are even worse. BUT, Marnie did give Eric amnesia, which is the best thing to happen this season thus far, and giving Pam that rotting death virus thing was pretty cool, too. We’ll have to wait and see with this one.
SAM AND THE SHAPESHIFTERS: C-
Sam has moved on and he’s dating Luna, a fellow shapeshifter, with a daughter and ex-werewolf-lover. This will probably soon mean trouble for Sam. This all isn’t too bad, because Sam is a nice guy, but what’s to come will probably be pretty mediocre. A new werewolf will be introduced just for the sake of saying “Gotcha!” when it’s revealed that he’s Luna’s ex-lover. But here’s the real problem with the shapeshifter clan this season: Tommy. Tommy is dumb and Sam gets suckered into all of his shit because of brotherly love. So far, Tommy has killed his parents and thus, earned the power to shapeshift into other humans (so he turns into Sam and sleeps with Luna). Just like I don’t care about Jesus’ life, I don’t care about Tommy’s—these characters should only be allowed to appear in one episode, two max. ARLENE’S DEMON BABY: F
WHY DOES THIS STORYLINE EVEN EXIST??? Arlene and Terry are annoying nobodies. The producers couldn’t even find a baby that looked remotely creepy. Now the baby has a scary doll and can see some old-timey-looking black woman in the distance. Worst of all, the show spends about ten minutes on this total crap every episode. That’s one-sixth of each episode. TWO HOURS OF THE ENTIRE SEASON. This will be the time during which I check my text messages, talk to my brother about how terrible and absolutely stupid this baby plot is (AGAIN), and resist the urge to fast forward through this garbage.
JESSICA: B
Jessica is a compelling character, and her relationship with Hoyt can be pretty darn adorable. They get in a fight though, and Jessica runs off to Fangtasia, where she drinks some other guy’s blood. If you are a vampire, this is called being unfaithful. Jessica tells Hoyt about her bathroom stall romp, but then erases his memory. Now they both tip-toe around each other all suspiciously. Jessica’s storyline merges with Jason’s here, when she has to feed Jason her blood to save his life. Now she can sense when he’s in danger and he has pornographic dreams of her. I suspect some more infidelity to come!
ANDY: D
Oh, here’s an important thing I think we should all be forced to focus on, you remember that fat, obnoxious sheriff guy that is the opposite of entertaining? Well, he’s addicted to V. He trembles and is getting stronger and more aggravated towards the townsfolk. A romance between him and Holly, another insignificant character, is in the works. You care, right? Also, his sister was Bill’s lawyer and sex toy until Bill realized she was his great-great-great-granddaughter or something. This isn’t a demon baby, but come on, True Blood...
JASON AND THE WEREPANTHERS: B-
Sigh. Jason is kidnapped, chained to a bed, attacked and raped repeatedly by the werepanthers. They want him to be the next were-daddy or something (I might be making that term up). He gets mad, escapes, dreams about naked Jessica, chats with Hoyt, tells Sookie about the werepanthers, and discovers he’s not going to turn into a werepanther after all. Instead, he just has some sexual tension with Jessica and goes home. Soon, Jason will probably have to avert another werepanther crisis, have sex with Jessica and then regret it because of Hoyt, and not notice when terrible things are happening to his sister. The thing is, Jason still possesses his “sexual faerie magnetism” and not-too-bright charm. So, I don’t mind watching him too much.
ALCIDE AND THE WEREWOLVES: C-
Alcide is back together with crazy Debbie, and Sookie’s a bit apprehensive about the whole situation. A new werewolf confronts Alcide and forces the couple to join his pack. I suspect this is the guy that is the father of Luna’s daughter. So far, this storyline hasn’t been given much attention, and rightfully so, since these minor characters have little to do with the show’s big trifecta.
SOOKIE, ERIC, AND BILL: A
I count these three as one, because, let’s face it—they’re the only characters anyone really cares about and they’re pretty much always entangled in one another. This season, Sookie has fully embraced her role as the ridiculous, vally-girl-esque, over-the-top, danger-attracting fairy. Unfortunately, True Blood creators refuse to follow suit, and, for some inexplicable reason, won’t accept that Sookie still is, and should be, the heart and soul of the show. And therefore, nine extraneous, and far less entertaining, storylines (see above) overwhelm the total ten minutes of Sookie’s granted screentime each episode. We are, in turn, forced to sit through irrelevant clips of weird snake sacrifices, demon babies, and the reemergence of characters so useless that I had to look up their names to even remember who they were and why I had to watch them instead of Sookie and Eric getting it on (*cough Tommy Debbie cough*).
Anyway, Sookie’s been living with (and falling for) Eric lately, since he has amnesia (a cheap but marvelous storyline) because of some enchantment cast by the witches (boring). Bill is king, I don’t remember why, and when he’s not talking to Sookie or Eric, he’s pretty dull. He’s also pretty irked about the fact that Sookie and Eric HAVE SEX. Overall, this show would be pure brilliance if we just got to watch Sookie, Eric, and Bill hang out, being their violent, corny, sexy selves. Eric is now officially gorgeous, strong, and adorably vulnerable. Bill is dark and powerful. And Sookie is Sookie. Enough said. I want more of this vampire love triangle.
What do YOU think about this season's storylines and their ratings?
