DUMPSTER STORY/ EYEWITNESS NEWS DELIVERS CRUCIAL, IMPORTANT NEWS!

In a world where FOX News is funny and often fictional, it is nice to know that I can rely on New York's local ABC 7 EYEWITNESS NEWS to keep me informed.

They've got a van.

Yesterday, I was flipping through channels (let's be honest, I was not watching the news) and, when flicking past Channel 7, I heard, "and a dumpster overflowing with trash.  Why hasn't it been emptied?"  I sighed (but did not stay to watch the story since I am more interested in hearing about NFL free agent signings on NFL Network than about dumpsters).

DeAngelo Williams is smiling because he just got a five year, $43 million contract.  

If he saw this dumpster, he'd be a lot less happy!

Well, maybe not a lot less.  That's a lot of money.

DOG CONTEST-- HULA HOOP JUMPING!!!

Dog Detectives Episode 1

"Detective Ringo McGhee and the Case of the Dead Ex Partner"

Ringo returns to New Jersey to investigate the murder of his old partner, Detective Horace Jones, in the pilot episode of Dog Detectives.

Dog Detectives Teaser!

Detective Ringo McGhee is washed up-- a shadow of the great detective he once was. But after receiving word that his old partner is dead, he must leave New York City to investigate.

*This is a teaser for the upcoming web series, "DOG DETECTIVES," in which we see what happens prior to Episode 1 and meet our protagonist.

Be sure to subscribe to my youtube channel and check out my other videos! 

POISON ICES BEING SOLD AT DUANE READE

AN INTRODUCTION TO ICES

It's hot in New York City in the summer.  People sweat.  People wear less clothes.  People get thirsty.  And, there might not be a more thirst-quenching treat than ices.  Some people buy shaved ice from vendors on street corners.  Others head to one of the many ice cream trucks pulled up along the curb.  Many, however, purchase ices at grocery stores where they are cheaper, planning ahead for a hot summer evening when they want that special treat.

KOBE BRYANT NO LONGER COOL

According to a Harris Poll, Kobe Bryant is no longer America's favorite athlete.

NORTH DAKOTA NOT A STATE, NO ONE CARES

It looks like old people are good for something after all (besides playing cards and rambling about the past)!  John Rolczynski (82), of Grand Folks North Dakota, has been trying to convince legislators for over a decade that North Dakota isn't really a state.  (This is ironic because sometimes I forget it's a state since it is so boring.)

It's the one in red.

It all started back in 1889, decades before my ancestors even came to the United States and nearly a century before I was born.  North Dakota and South Dakota were (supposed to be) admitted to the Union.  However, North Dakota's governor and other top officials never took an oath of office.  Basically, the absence of this oath means that ND's statehood is illegitimate.  South Dakota did not mess up.

Discovered problem.  Hero.

This is awful, mind-blowing news!  I cannot believe that there are really only 49 states!  Everything that I have been taught as a child is completely wrong!!!  (Look at how many exclamation points I'm having to use to get across how upset I am!)  How many other "states" aren't really states?  Is Alabama a state?  Is West Virginia a state?  What about Nebraska?  Probably not.

Are they all really states, or just the ones in orange?

Luckily, Senator Tim Mathern of Fargo introduced a bill to make ND officially a state.  The senator being from Fargo reminds us that North Dakota is the setting of the Coen Brother's movie, Fargo.  It is from this movie that I learned that ND is a place I would never like to visit.  Also, this movie is the only thing people know about ND (unless they live there).

Is it a good movie?  Yah, you bethcha.

Here are some other fun facts about North Dakota so that you're more informed: 

*The State Beverage is MILK.

*The State Dance is the SQUARE DANCE.

*ND has the most CHURCHES per capita than any other state.

*The State Bird is the WESTERN MEADOWLARK.

So, if you lived in ND, on Saturday night you would have a big glass of milk before going to a square dance with your sweetheart.  The following morning, after going to church, you'd see a Western Meadowlark.  Then, you'd go home and watch Fargo.

NORTH DAKOTA JEFFREY!

In all seriousness, I am quite relieved that ND will finally be officially a state.  I think that we should add many more states to the Union.  It is unfair that in the 1700s and 1800s, states were added all the time, and since I've been born, they haven't added any!  Can we please just add Puerto Rico, Guam, and Canada already?!

THE TOP 10 DISGUISES & WHEN TO USE THEM

There are lots of reasons why you might need to disguise yourself.  Maybe you want to fight evil and don't want anyone to know your true identity.  Maybe you are evil and need a disguise to rob a bank.  Maybe you've just robbed a bank, think someone recognized you, and now need a disguise so that you won't be caught.  There is a 50% chance (roughly) that you will find yourself in one of the above situations at some point.

To help you out when you do need a disguise, here's a list of the TOP 10 DISGUISES with a little note on what each disguise would be good for (since you don't want to be wearing a scary mask if you're trying to blend in, but a scary mask might be a good idea fi you're robbing a bank).

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10. THE SCREAM

What to do: Put on a scary mask!

Good for: Scaring people (of course), robbing banks

If the phone is ringing, don't answer it.  It is probably a crazed lunatic with a ghost mask about to bust in and chase you around with a knife.  Just kidding, you should answer the phone.  It could be someone important calling.

It could be Ghostface calling, or it could be someone important like...

Charles Barkley!

A scary mask is good for putting people on edge and making them fear you.  It's also an excellent disguise for a robbery, as seen in The Town.

Nuns = Scary

JEFFREY'S TOP 5 CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS!!

What is a celebrity?  According to dictionary.com, a celebrity is "a famous or well-known person."  (This is exactly what I thought the definition would be since I am very smart.)  So, am I a celebrity?  I probably am not.

When you live in New York City, you see lots of famous people.  Since I am oblivious to what's going on around me, I probably see way more celebrities than I even realize.

Eddie Murphy in disguise-- I wouldn't recognize him.

THE FUTURE IS NEARING!!!!!

In the 1980s and 90s, movies showed what many people at the time thought the future would be like.  Films like Blade Runner, Total Recall, and Back to the Future Part II, gave us flying cars and other technological advancements.  Also, Back to the Future taught me that if I go to the future in a time-traveling DeLorean, I should get a small booklet that has the results of every sports game ever played.  Then, I just go back to the past and use the book to win tons of money betting on games!

I was not really in the movie since I was 18 months old when it was made.

TOP 10 NFL PLAYERS RECEIVE JEFFREY AWARDS!

This year, NFL players were given the opportunity to rank the best players currently in the game.  While some analysts had a panic attack because of the lack of criteria (“Are we talking about a player’s whole career, or are we just looking at last season?”), I really didn’t mind.  It’s basically if someone came up to you on the street and said, “Jeffrey, who is the best player in the NFL?”  (Except the person would call you by your own name, unless your name also happens to be Jeffrey.)  Overall, the players did an okay job, but at times, they showed that they’re lucky to be big and strong and fast (because they are dumb).

TOP 10 COLORS OF 2011!!!

I am sure for the past few months you’ve been thinking to yourself, “What are the Top 10 Colors of 2011?  Jeffrey told us what the Top 10 Colors of 2010 were, but that was so long ago.  I have not known what color clothes to buy, or what color to paint my apartment.  My life in general has been in complete disarray!” 

Wow, you sure are needy.  I have spent the first half of 2011 researching (with my mind) and looking (with my eyes) to find out what the top colors of this year are.  I can assure you, this was no easy task and I did not take it lightly.

As you’ll see, green and purple (both very big in 2010) are no longer in.  (They are OUT.)  

Sorry, Wally the Green Monster.

So, what colors made the cut?!