BASED ON A TRUE STORY
JEFFREY THE GREAT, 23, handsome and in need of a haircut, enters the SUPERCUTS in Manhattan on 86th & 2nd.
I was hoping to look as cool as this guy after my haircut.
TOM (name changed to protect hairdresser), late 20s, Asian and short, looks up from behind the counter.
JEFFREY
Is Fazzana in today?
TOM
Fazzana hurt her hand. Tom can give you a haircut. (Whenever someone refers to themselves in third person it is typically a very bad sign.) Follow me.
Jeffrey follows Tom to a chair.
TOM
So, what are we doing today?
JEFFREY
Just shorter. I like it shorter on the sides, then blending into more hair at the top.
TOM
(nods)
The clippers on the side?
JEFFREY
Okay. It's pretty hot out there. Need to have short hair.
TOM
I know what you mean.
(beat)
Do you know the secret to THICK, HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL hair? (Oh, no! He's going to try to sell me something.)
JEFFREY
No.
TOM
Well, I'll tell you. The secret is beans.
(beat)
Red beans and black beans. (Nope. He's just crazy.)
JEFFREY
Oh.
TOM
That is why Mexican people have such beautiful, healthy hair. I bet you've never seen a Mexican person with bad hair. That's why you should eat lots of beans. (I am starting to get very worried about my haircut.)
JEFFREY
(humoring him)
So, just eat lots of red and black beans.
TOM
But that's not all. You have to listen to the second part of what I'm saying. You can't just have the beans, you also have to have THE MINERAL. (What mineral? Maybe he's trying to sell me something. Possibly a mineral he's making in his apartment.)
JEFFREY
Oh.
TOM
You go to GMC, or another vitamin store, and you ask for it. Don't look for it on the shelves they have to get it for you.
(beat)
But don't let them trick you into buying the expensive one, don't buy the Ferrari minerals. Buy the Honda minerals. Or, do you know what a Kia is?
JEFFREY
Yeah.
TOM
You can even get that level of minerals. Or you could just get the middle cost ones so you don't feel like it's too cheap.
JEFFREY
Yeah. (I'm pretty sure he can tell I'm not interested, but he really wants to hammer home his point.)
TOM
You have to remember to have THE MINERAL because if you don't, all of the goodness from the beans will just come out in the toilet. Spanish people don't have that problem because their bodies are different. We're all different. You are Caucasian. I am Chinese. Caucasian people get very tall. You don't see any tall Mexican people. It is a tradeoff.
JEFFREY
Uh huh.
TOM
You can take my advice, or not it's your choice.
JEFFREY
I guess it's worth it to try for a little while. (Please don't give me a bad haircut.)
TOM
Trust me. I am not making this up. There was another man who worked here, a chemist. He went back to Israel and he is the one who figured all this out. (I'm wishing I was getting my hair cut by the Israeli chemist who used to be a hairdresser.) It really works.
(beat)
So, how many times have you come here?
JEFFREY
This is my second time.
TOM
Wow, Fazzana must've done a real good job for you to come back and ask for her.
JEFFREY
Yeah.
TOM
That is what I want to do. Get people to come back to me.
JEFFREY
How long have you worked here?
TOM
A month and a half. But I have been cutting hair forever. (A lie.)
JEFFREY
Oh... that's nice.
Tom finished up my haircut, mentioning beans, THE MINERAL, and his chemist friend several more times.
All things considered, he did a halfway decent job. He is the second craziest person I've had cut my hair at Supercuts. The craziest was a woman who was on drugs. Tom did a better job than her.
I'd give it a 6.5/10
(Note: I looked it up and beans are good for your hair, but so are most other foods, like fish, beef, nuts, and fruits.)
