Top 10 People Who Should Run for President

Everyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite things in the whole wide world is politics (right after writing, football, making movies, reading, fantasy football, editing, sports in general, the New York Jets, New York City, traveling, listening to music, singing, drawing, my friends & family, my girlfriend, animals, acting, dancing, going out, eating good food, sleeping, watching TV, Survivor, Boardwalk Empire, Homeland, playing basketball, watching basketball (college, not NBA), Y: The Last Man, graphic novels/comic books, Christopher Nolan movies (Memento, The Prestige, Batman Begins, etc.), The Jeffrey & Jennifer Show, The Jeff & The Bonch Show, “J. Lobsta & Pneumonia”, Battlestar Galactica, monkeys, squirrels, cool posters, backgammon, checkers, poker, working out, going on adventures, Darrelle Revis, talking on the phone, going on walks, dogs, Facebook, YouTube, Rex Ryan, Netflix, American Pickers, The Price is Right, pinball, and martial arts).

The 30 Best Graphic Novels Ever

There are two types of people: people who can read and people who can look at pictures.  Actually, there are three types of people because some people can both read and look at pictures.  Graphic novels are good for the first two types, but if you can read AND see, then they're FANTASTIC for you!  (Actually, I just realized that if you can't see, you can't read; unless, of course, you're reading brail.  I am thinking about this too much now.)

Many of the titles on this list aren't actually one-shot graphic novels.  Sometimes I list an entire series (usually a series that's concluded, but twice I rank an ongoing series).  Basically, whatever's the best of the best.  (I made the list so I make the rules!)  Enjoy!


30.) EX MACHINA, Volumes 1-10 (complete series), by Brian K. Vaughan
29.) SIN CITY, by Frank Miller
28.) WANTED, by Mark Millar
27.) ULTRA: SEVEN DAYS, by The Luna Brothers
26.) POWERS: WHO KILLED RETRO GIRL?, by Brian Michael Bendis
25.) FROM HELL, by Alan Moore
24.) THE NOBODY, by Jeff Lemire
23.) THE ULTIMATES, Volumes 1 & 2, by Mark Millar 
22.) WATCHMEN, by Alan Moore
21.) HELLBOY: SEED OF DESTRUCTION, by Mike Mignola 

20.) PRIDE OF BAGHDAD, by Brian K. Vaughan

The story of a pride of lions who escape from the Baghdad Zoo during the bombing of Baghdad.

19.) MARVEL 1602, by Neil Gaiman

The title is pretty accurate; it's Marvel heroes and villains in the year (you guessed it) 1602.  Beautifully illustrated by Andy Kubert.  You don't need a detailed understanding of the Marvel Universe to enjoy 1602.

Jeffrey Finds Rare Geodes in the Attic

If you follow the news, then you surely know that a man found $500,000 worth of rare coins in an abandoned storage unit he bid on and won for $1,100.  The auction was run by American Auctioneers, the company featured in A&E’s Storage Wars, a show in which obnoxious people bid on the lockers of other people who, for one reason or another, have failed to pay their storage fees.  (Go pay your storage fees, everyone!)  Unfortunately, cameras were not rolling during this auction.  Still, this story got me thinking: Who knows where rare treasures are hiding?

12 GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!

Do you know what holiday is on October 31st? No, it's not Easter. No, it's not Arbor Day either. Yes, that's right! It's Halloween!

Halloween is actually my third favorite holiday, after Thanksgiving and my birthday (which is like a holiday). On Halloween, when you're a child, you get to dress up in a costume and walk around your neighborhood and get candy. When you're older, Halloween is still fun because you can put on a costume and go to a bar and drink excessively. (Unless you have kids, then you should walk around the neighborhood with them; I do not condone bad parenting.)

So, what should you be for Halloween this year? You want to have the best costume out of all your friends, don't you? (Rhetorical question; do not answer.) Luckily for you, I have compiled this list of 12 GREAT Halloween costumes. Since the word "great" is written in all caps, you know I mean business.

Without further ado...

2014 Super Bowl Logo Revealed! A Look at Old SB Logos and a Review of the New One!

The logo for the 2014 Super Bowl, which will be played at MetLife Stadium (home of the Jets & Giants), was revealed today.  Before we get to our review of the logo, let's take a look back at some Super Bowl logos of seasons past.

What's Wrong With Going to Jets Games (and how to fix it)

PERSON: Hey, Jeff, do you know how I can get season tickets for the New York Jets?

JEFF: Well, the first thing you're going to have to do is buy a Personal Seat License, or PSL for short.

PERSON: What's that?

JEFF: A PSL is basically you paying for the right to buy season tickets for a seat.

PERSON: But I just want to buy the tickets.

JEFF: You have to pay for the right to buy the tickets.  Then, you can buy the tickets.

PERSON: That sounds like a scam.

(Long pause)

JEFF: What sort of seats do you want?

PERSON: Well, at least decent ones.  I want to be able to see my favorite team win!

JEFF: Alright, how about this seat?  The PSL is just $15,000.

PERSON: What?!  To buy one seat?!

JEFF: That pays for the right to buy the tickets to the seat.  After you pay the 15K, you're going to have to pay $295 a ticket for each game...including preseason-- you have to buy those, too.

PERSON: So it's going to cost me $17,950 to get the tickets?!

JEFF: Plus tax.  And unless you want to go alone, you're going to need another seat.

And they wonder why they can't sell all the tickets.

MetLife Stadium

TOP TEN THREATS TO LIFE AS WE KNOW IT

One year from now...

Some nights, when the moon is full and yellow, and when the air is cold,  you can hear the monster crying right outside your bedroom window.  It is a sad cry, or angry maybe…tortured; yes, that's the right word.  Tortured.  You go out to search for the monster, but he cannot be found.  You can feel him watching you, but still, he remains hidden.

The monster is getting closer now.  You aim your flashlight at the trees and, for a moment, you're certain that you see the outline of a large figure crouching behind a branch.  

But then… the figure is gone.  The monster has disappeared into the night.  But he will return.  He will return with friends-- other monsters.  And the monsters will try to eat you, since they are hungry.  And there has been a hidden society of monsters living under the ground for centuries and they are finally ready to attack mankind.

Now, you have to run away to the beach (since the monsters are scared of the water).  Life as you knew it is over.

Wow!  That is one scary premonition I had about what's going to happen to you!  I sure hope it doesn't come true, but I am almost always right, so it probably will.  

Every thousand years, something happens that drastically changes life on Earth.  For example, when the dinosaurs were killed by the meteorite, lots of things changed (mainly, there were no more dinosaurs).  Now, we're due for another big change.

Films like Contagion and Rise of Planet of the Apes give us some ideas of threats that could drastically alter the lives of humans everywhere (viruses and monkeys), but I foresee other possible threats to mankind.  For your reading pleasure, and because you should be prepared for them, here are the TOP 10 THREATS TO LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!

TOP 10 SPORTS THAT SHOULDN'T BE CONSIDERED SPORTS

What is a sport?

Top 10 Best Underrated Horror Movies

I decided to make this an "underrated" horror movies list and not include any of the more famous horror films since there are already a ton of horror movie lists out there featuring them.  Plus, truth be told, (with the exception of The Exorcist and Psycho) many of the frequently top-ranked horror flicks (Poltergeist, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc.) are overrated.  Other horror movies, like The Thing, suffer from special effects that, while in their day might have been impressive, now seem goofy and even laughable.  

The movies on this list are very good horror films that, for one reason or another, are overlooked or underrated.

The Top 10 Best (Overlooked or Underrated) Horror Movies:

Top 10 State Nicknames!

You probably know that there are 50 states in America.  (If you are one of my readers from another country, you might not have known this, in which case, you just learned something new!  Congratulations!)  Every state, with the exception of Alabama (sorry, Alabama), has an official state nickname. 

If you live in the U.S., you most likely know the nickname of your own state.  But, do you know the nicknames of the other 49 states?  (Probably not.)  So, I've compiled this list of the TOP 10 STATE NICKNAMES.  After reading this, you will have new fun facts to impress your friends.  Also, if you ever go on Jeopardy, this information might help you.  (Note: Some states have many nicknames; for the purposes of this list, only official nicknames were considered.)

Honorable mentions:

Peach State (Georgia)

   Mario is busy, save yourself.

Prairie State (Illinois)

    You're a menace, praire dog.

What are the 40 best player names in the NFL?

Be sure to check out my article on Cold, Hard Football Facts to find out!

THE 40 BEST PLAYER NAMES

Frostee made the list!

BREAKING NEWS: JEFFREY THE GREAT, JUST JENNIFER SURVIVE DEVASTATING EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE

This afternoon, a magnitude 5.8 earthquake caused much of the East Coast to rumble.  The ground shook, buildings toppled, New York City sank into the ocean (just like Atlantis did over fifty years ago).  Basically, it was exactly like a scene from The Day After Tomorrow or 2012 (two movies that you should never, ever watch).  By some miracle, I was able to survive the earthquake.

Movie Trailer Reviews! What should you get ready to see?!

What are your plans for this weekend?  Do you want to do something fun with me?  Bungee jumping?  Checkers in Washington Square Park?  You can be a guest star on my Youtube show, Dog Detectives.  What?  You're busy?  That's too bad.  It looks like I'll just have to go to the movies instead.

MARK SANCHEZ VS. REX RYAN

I love the media.  From stories about overflowing dumpsters to a drunk man urinating on a girl on an airplane, they always seem to report the most important news.  Today's big story: Mark Sanchez telling GQ magazine that he wanted to fight Rex Ryan when the New York Jets coach considered benching him last year.

Sigh*

Football Nation

Jeffrey The Great!! is now writing articles for Football Nation!  If you're into sports, check out a few of his new articles:

*The Good, The Bad, The Mark Sanchez August 11, 2011

*Playoffs? Not So Fast, Texans, Bucs, Lions August 10, 2011

*Madden Curse Will Continue With Peyton Hillis June 20, 2011

"I love Jeffrey's football articles."-- Darrelle Revis

12 GUYS TO LOOK FOR IN CENTRAL PARK

Take a walk around Central Park and you'll see all different types of people-- you've got everything from tourists from the Ukraine to coal miners from Pennsylvania.  

As you take your stroll, take note that there are clearly a few different types of guys that frequent the park.  These men are defined by the activities they're doing, whether they are walking a dog or going for a jog (rhyme!).

Let's examine the different activities men do in Central Park.  If you want, you can turn this list into a SCAVENGER HUNT (fun!).  To do this, go around the park and find someone doing each of the following things.  You can even print this page and use it as a handy checklist so you don't miss anything.  The first person to find all twelve men wins a mediocre prize that I will not provide for you.

COUNTDOWN TIME!  THE TOP 12 THINGS GUYS DO IN THE PARK AND WHAT THEY SHOW ABOUT THEM:

12. WALK A DOG

This one's a classic.  There are only two reasons men walk a dog in the park.  REASON ONE: The man is using the dog to pick up women (or men--that's fine, too).  I have heard variations of the following exchange many times: 

Attractive Woman: Is that your dog?

Man With Dog: Yes, it is.

Attractive Woman: He is SO cute… Why don't we go out for a drink later?

This happens all the time.

REASON TWO: The man is lonely and has no other friends; he has no one to walk with besides his dog.  This is a very sad scenario.

Probably Reason Two.

**BATMAN VS. SPIDER-MAN**

BATMAN is 6'2 and 210 pounds. He is a master of all forms of martial arts.  He is a fantastic detective and one of the greatest minds in the DC Universe.  The Dark Knight has beaten countless tough foes, like the Joker and Two-Face.  He's even had to taken down Superman and the rest of the Justice League!

But can Batman beat SPIDER-MAN, the more fun-loving hero from the Marvel Universe?  Who's stronger?  Who's, in general, all-around, better?  And which movie looks better, The Dark Knight Rises, or The Amazing Spider-Man?  Jeffrey & Jennifer debate!!!  Who's better, BATMAN, or SPIDER-MAN?!

TRUE BLOOD BITES OFF MORE THAN IT CAN CHEW

By Just Jennifer

When you sit down to watch this season of HBO’s hit show True Blood, you might feel a little overwhelmed at times.  You might be confused by all the characters and all the plotlines…and the way in which it seems like nothing really advances in each episode, because an average of only six minutes is spent on each storyline.  To help you out, here’s a quick look at True Blood’s ten current storylines and how well they fare with audiences (me).

*SPOILERS CONTAINED*

 

TARA: D-

 Why did Tara come back to town?  Cage-fighting lesbians should be a welcome addition to the show, but Tara has always been so unlikable.  She’s unattractive, talks too much, thinks she’s the cream of the crop, and pities herself to death (no, really, I hope she does), not to mention that her and her new girlfriend HAVE NO POWERS (because being a lesbian is not a supernatural power).  There are only a few good normal humans left on the show, and Tara Thornton is not one of them.  Her girlfriend will probably soon meet an untimely death, at the hands of the rotting Pam, and maybe then, Tara will just go away again.  One can only dream.

 

WITCHCRAFT PLOT 1 – LAFAYETTE AND JESUS: D

 I like Lafayette a lot because he says some fun ghetto snarky things, and I’m happy for him that he’s dating Jesus or whatever, but he is SO susceptible to peer pressure.  The witch circles were one thing, but running off to some guy’s psychotic grandfather’s ranch is another.  This storyline just sucks.  I could not care less about Jesus’ ancestors’ spirits.  There’s nothing worse than a minor character’s minor character getting his own storyline.

Dogs Shouldn't Wear Diapers

10 Reasons You Shouldn't Get a Dog:

They smell

They bite people

They bark

They lick your face

They jump on you

They have too much energy

They chew your sneakers

They poop in your house

You have to make sure you're home to feed them

Vet visits cost lost of money

Lassie was notorious for biting children on the set.

Wow!  Dogs sound awful!

NOTE: The above reasons are, of course, dog stereotypes.  They don't hold true for all dogs.  It's the same with stereotypes for different groups of people-- some white people can actually dance and not all Asian people really do like Math.

Point made.

DUMPSTER STORY/ EYEWITNESS NEWS DELIVERS CRUCIAL, IMPORTANT NEWS!

In a world where FOX News is funny and often fictional, it is nice to know that I can rely on New York's local ABC 7 EYEWITNESS NEWS to keep me informed.

They've got a van.

Yesterday, I was flipping through channels (let's be honest, I was not watching the news) and, when flicking past Channel 7, I heard, "and a dumpster overflowing with trash.  Why hasn't it been emptied?"  I sighed (but did not stay to watch the story since I am more interested in hearing about NFL free agent signings on NFL Network than about dumpsters).

DeAngelo Williams is smiling because he just got a five year, $43 million contract.  

If he saw this dumpster, he'd be a lot less happy!

Well, maybe not a lot less.  That's a lot of money.

DOG CONTEST-- HULA HOOP JUMPING!!!

Dog Detectives Episode 1

"Detective Ringo McGhee and the Case of the Dead Ex Partner"

Ringo returns to New Jersey to investigate the murder of his old partner, Detective Horace Jones, in the pilot episode of Dog Detectives.

Dog Detectives Teaser!

Detective Ringo McGhee is washed up-- a shadow of the great detective he once was. But after receiving word that his old partner is dead, he must leave New York City to investigate.

*This is a teaser for the upcoming web series, "DOG DETECTIVES," in which we see what happens prior to Episode 1 and meet our protagonist.

Be sure to subscribe to my youtube channel and check out my other videos! 

POISON ICES BEING SOLD AT DUANE READE

AN INTRODUCTION TO ICES

It's hot in New York City in the summer.  People sweat.  People wear less clothes.  People get thirsty.  And, there might not be a more thirst-quenching treat than ices.  Some people buy shaved ice from vendors on street corners.  Others head to one of the many ice cream trucks pulled up along the curb.  Many, however, purchase ices at grocery stores where they are cheaper, planning ahead for a hot summer evening when they want that special treat.

KOBE BRYANT NO LONGER COOL

According to a Harris Poll, Kobe Bryant is no longer America's favorite athlete.

NORTH DAKOTA NOT A STATE, NO ONE CARES

It looks like old people are good for something after all (besides playing cards and rambling about the past)!  John Rolczynski (82), of Grand Folks North Dakota, has been trying to convince legislators for over a decade that North Dakota isn't really a state.  (This is ironic because sometimes I forget it's a state since it is so boring.)

It's the one in red.

It all started back in 1889, decades before my ancestors even came to the United States and nearly a century before I was born.  North Dakota and South Dakota were (supposed to be) admitted to the Union.  However, North Dakota's governor and other top officials never took an oath of office.  Basically, the absence of this oath means that ND's statehood is illegitimate.  South Dakota did not mess up.

Discovered problem.  Hero.

This is awful, mind-blowing news!  I cannot believe that there are really only 49 states!  Everything that I have been taught as a child is completely wrong!!!  (Look at how many exclamation points I'm having to use to get across how upset I am!)  How many other "states" aren't really states?  Is Alabama a state?  Is West Virginia a state?  What about Nebraska?  Probably not.

Are they all really states, or just the ones in orange?

Luckily, Senator Tim Mathern of Fargo introduced a bill to make ND officially a state.  The senator being from Fargo reminds us that North Dakota is the setting of the Coen Brother's movie, Fargo.  It is from this movie that I learned that ND is a place I would never like to visit.  Also, this movie is the only thing people know about ND (unless they live there).

Is it a good movie?  Yah, you bethcha.

Here are some other fun facts about North Dakota so that you're more informed: 

*The State Beverage is MILK.

*The State Dance is the SQUARE DANCE.

*ND has the most CHURCHES per capita than any other state.

*The State Bird is the WESTERN MEADOWLARK.

So, if you lived in ND, on Saturday night you would have a big glass of milk before going to a square dance with your sweetheart.  The following morning, after going to church, you'd see a Western Meadowlark.  Then, you'd go home and watch Fargo.

NORTH DAKOTA JEFFREY!

In all seriousness, I am quite relieved that ND will finally be officially a state.  I think that we should add many more states to the Union.  It is unfair that in the 1700s and 1800s, states were added all the time, and since I've been born, they haven't added any!  Can we please just add Puerto Rico, Guam, and Canada already?!

THE TOP 10 DISGUISES & WHEN TO USE THEM

There are lots of reasons why you might need to disguise yourself.  Maybe you want to fight evil and don't want anyone to know your true identity.  Maybe you are evil and need a disguise to rob a bank.  Maybe you've just robbed a bank, think someone recognized you, and now need a disguise so that you won't be caught.  There is a 50% chance (roughly) that you will find yourself in one of the above situations at some point.

To help you out when you do need a disguise, here's a list of the TOP 10 DISGUISES with a little note on what each disguise would be good for (since you don't want to be wearing a scary mask if you're trying to blend in, but a scary mask might be a good idea fi you're robbing a bank).

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10. THE SCREAM

What to do: Put on a scary mask!

Good for: Scaring people (of course), robbing banks

If the phone is ringing, don't answer it.  It is probably a crazed lunatic with a ghost mask about to bust in and chase you around with a knife.  Just kidding, you should answer the phone.  It could be someone important calling.

It could be Ghostface calling, or it could be someone important like...

Charles Barkley!

A scary mask is good for putting people on edge and making them fear you.  It's also an excellent disguise for a robbery, as seen in The Town.

Nuns = Scary

JEFFREY'S TOP 5 CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS!!

What is a celebrity?  According to dictionary.com, a celebrity is "a famous or well-known person."  (This is exactly what I thought the definition would be since I am very smart.)  So, am I a celebrity?  I probably am not.

When you live in New York City, you see lots of famous people.  Since I am oblivious to what's going on around me, I probably see way more celebrities than I even realize.

Eddie Murphy in disguise-- I wouldn't recognize him.

THE FUTURE IS NEARING!!!!!

In the 1980s and 90s, movies showed what many people at the time thought the future would be like.  Films like Blade Runner, Total Recall, and Back to the Future Part II, gave us flying cars and other technological advancements.  Also, Back to the Future taught me that if I go to the future in a time-traveling DeLorean, I should get a small booklet that has the results of every sports game ever played.  Then, I just go back to the past and use the book to win tons of money betting on games!

I was not really in the movie since I was 18 months old when it was made.

TOP 10 NFL PLAYERS RECEIVE JEFFREY AWARDS!

This year, NFL players were given the opportunity to rank the best players currently in the game.  While some analysts had a panic attack because of the lack of criteria (“Are we talking about a player’s whole career, or are we just looking at last season?”), I really didn’t mind.  It’s basically if someone came up to you on the street and said, “Jeffrey, who is the best player in the NFL?”  (Except the person would call you by your own name, unless your name also happens to be Jeffrey.)  Overall, the players did an okay job, but at times, they showed that they’re lucky to be big and strong and fast (because they are dumb).

TOP 10 COLORS OF 2011!!!

I am sure for the past few months you’ve been thinking to yourself, “What are the Top 10 Colors of 2011?  Jeffrey told us what the Top 10 Colors of 2010 were, but that was so long ago.  I have not known what color clothes to buy, or what color to paint my apartment.  My life in general has been in complete disarray!” 

Wow, you sure are needy.  I have spent the first half of 2011 researching (with my mind) and looking (with my eyes) to find out what the top colors of this year are.  I can assure you, this was no easy task and I did not take it lightly.

As you’ll see, green and purple (both very big in 2010) are no longer in.  (They are OUT.)  

Sorry, Wally the Green Monster.

So, what colors made the cut?!

RANKING THE TOP 12 MONTHS!!

(The 13th month that nobody knows about but me, Jeffuary, will not be ranked.)

Some days, I wake up with the intention of answering one of life’s more important questions.  What happens to us when we die?  Do aliens exist?  What is the best month of the year?  Today, I decided to answer the third question, since I do not have the time, or the resources, to answer the other two.  (I am not a wizard; I cannot just find out answers to life’s mysteries with a wave of my hand.)  After extensive research and intellectual reasoning (causing great strain on my simple mind), I created this list.  (NOTE: When ranking the months, weather obviously was a factor.  Thus, this list might differ a little bit for someone not living in the Northeastern United States.)

NEWS UPDATE: CIGARETTES, BIRDS, AND AN OCTOPI COMPETITION

It has come to my attention that many people who live on Earth use this website as their primary news source.  I say “people who live on Earth” and not “Americans” because many readers of this blog come from other countries (8 views from the Ukraine today).  (Particularly, there are a surprising amount of views from Italy.  Ciao, Italians!)  I do not like to use the word Earthlings instead of “people who live on Earth” since it is a nerd word and I do not like the sound of it when spoken out loud.  (I realize that I just used the word Earthlings to explain this, but you can be certain that I will never use it in this blog again.)  I know what you are thinking, and you are right, there is a chance that aliens are intercepting the internet and reading this blog in space.  However, the odds of this are probably less than 10%.  But if you are reading this aliens, I am not a threat.  Please do not take us over.

Stay home, freak!

Oh my, I am going on a wild tangent that makes little to no sense!  It’s time to get down to business and report the news!

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Today, the Federal Drug Administration unveiled new warning labels that cigarette companies will have to put on their packs by September 2012.  The labels will cover 50% (or half) of the cigarette pack and some of them are pretty disturbing to look at, like a man with a hole in his throat, or another of someone’s disgusting teeth and gums.

Do not smoke, or eat candy!

The yellow area is where the particular name of the cigarettes will go.

The best (least gross) picture is of a silly-looking man with a T-shirt that reads “I Quit.”

He might've quit smoking, but he has not quit being bald.

I think that the new labels will have an impact on getting people to quit smoking, not because people will be scared by them (everyone knows the dangers of smoking already), but because they look gross.  In contrast, if the cigarette labels looked like this, more people would smoke.

A cigarette label this inviting would increase smoking tenfold.

Here, in New York City, lots of people smoke because it’s a social thing to do, a conversation starter that makes you look cool.  But after the new labels, imagine the following conversation outside a bar on a Friday night:

Hot Girl: Hey, can I have a cigarette?

Jon: Sure.

Hot Girl: Oh, you’ve got the pack with dying cartoon baby.

Jon: Yeah, they were all out of the “fatal lung disease in nonsmokers” labels.

Hot Girl: These labels are a real turn-off; I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.

Cigarette companies are obviously very mad at all of this, as are smokers.  They are quick to complain about how the government acts in this manner about cigarettes, but not alcohol.  How come alcohol bottles don’t get pictures of a drunken guy collapsed on the ground, or having a one-night stand with a homely girl?  I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I am a big fan of the HBO show Boardwalk Empire, so I do know that alcohol was at one time illegal.  Also, I learned that the government is corrupt.

Do not cross Nookie Thompson.

Because of the new labels, I predict that cigarette cases will become extremely popular.  Though people don’t really use them right now, you can see them in film noir movies.  Supporting my theory is that after the European Union made their cigarette labels grimmer, cigarette case sales rose.  It is time to invest in companies that make cigarette cases!  Or, it’s time to start a company that makes cool cigarette cases with different designs (and get investors for it on Shark Tank)!  There, I just made you a millionaire!  You can thank me later!

'

They'll fly off the shelves!

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In other news, Yahoo! News reports that two bald eagles attacked a post office at an Alaskan port.  (Something that Alfred Hitchcock predicted would happen in his movie Rear Window.)  Clearly, this was a newsworthy main page story.

He just looks evil here.

The story made me feel confused and conflicted since I like birds.

Animals I Like

1. Monkeys

2. Squirrels

3. Dogs

4. Birds

5. Bears

Animals I Do Not Like

1. Bugs

2. Naked Mole Rats

3. Snakes

4. Cats

5. Leprechauns

I am not worried about being attacked by birds, though, since I do not plan on going to Alaska, or the post office, anytime soon.  Also, I am stronger and smarter than birds (but I cannot fly).

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I’m sure that you heard about the death of Paul the Octopus last year.  Paul was a German octopus who was “psychic” and would predict the winners of soccer games.  He went an impressive 12/14 in his lifetime and is probably the most famous German of the past 50 years.

Paul is lookin' good!

Now that he’s passed, the Germans are holding a competition between eight different octopi to see who will become the next Paul.  I think this whole thing is ridiculous.  If Paul were really psychic, he would be an incredibly special octopus and could not be so easily replaced.  Also, since Paul died so young (2 years old), maybe the Germans should find a psychic lobster.  He could live to be100 years old if he escapes being accidentally eaten.

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Well, that’s all the news we have for this past week.  Keep up the good work, dear reader, and maybe one day you’ll make the news for doing something magnificent.  (Or maybe you won’t.)